Why I Really Wanted A Boy

Lifestyle, motherhood, Relationships

I’m the oldest of a combined eleven children (yes, you read that right!) from both parents and if God asked for my choice, I’d choose to have an older brother. Why, well I know I could not have an older sister because I doubt we’d get on much but an older brother always seemed like a good idea. He’s be my protector, he’d fight for me and he’d hurt any boy who dared break my heart, hahah (no, but seriously)! 

Anyways, my wish to have an older brother was pretty impossible because let’s be honest, had my parents had me when they were teenagers so having older siblings could not happen because I was it! So why did I do? I wished for the next best thing and that was to have a son first. If God was listening, I figured I might as well ask Him although I was sure I’d be happy either way! 

This was true until a month before I found out I was pregnant, I buried my 18 year old brother who was murdered in a knife crime. He had just turned 18 so evidently his death sent me in a dark place. Not just because of its untimeliness but also because he was 10 years younger than me. I couldn’t and still cannot fathom the idea of such a young life being lost. I sometimes feel guilty that I get to live and he will never get to be my age or older. 

So when I found out a month after his death that I was pregnant, I saw it as a sign that this was God’s doing and that I would be having a boy…to compensate for my brother’s death somehow. Now that I think about it I understand how crazy it sounds but grieving does crazy things to a person and although I didn’t know it then, that was my way of trying to come to terms or make sense of his death. 

I was so sure that I was having a boy that I completely disregarded the 50% possibility that it might actually be a girl. I started referring to my bump as he/him and if anyone asked if I knew what I was having, I’d pretty much say I think it’s a boy! 

To further cement my belief, I would only search for boy baby names and eventually settled on the name that I knew for a fact I’d name my son when he was born. From then on, I started referring to the bump by its boy name!

Being as it was my first child and seeing as I ‘knew’ its gender, I wasn’t particularly bothered with finding out the baby’s gender but the hubby wanted to know so he could start buying clothes and stuff ( there was very little unisex colours for some reasons) and so I thought hey, for confirmation sake…why not! 

My anomaly (and opportunity for a gender reveal) scan was at 21 weeks and unfortunately the baby didn’t want to open its legs so we were rebooked for another scan at 23 weeks because the sonologist ( I think that’s what they’re called) wasn’t able to check for everything at the time anyway. 

We were back again two weeks later and for some reason I started feeling a bit nervous. I mean yes I believed I was having a boy but what if I wasn’t? Lo and below I was informed with a 90% certainty that I was having a GIRL! It hurts me to say this now but my heart completely sank. It wasn’t the news I was expected. Damn it, it wasn’t the news I wanted. I had just lost my brother and found out I was pregnant a month later so it could only be a boy because it was God giving me back what He had taken from me…..surely!

I hardly spoke again that day and later that evening, I cried like I’ve never ever cried before in my whole entire life. I cried because I finally realised I had to accept that my brother was gone and that he wasn’t coming back. Yes, he had only just turned 18 years and yes it was so unfair that he wasn’t given an opportunity to live a full life but he was gone and the baby boy that I was holding on to….in memory of him wasn’t actually a boy. How could God do this to me!!

I then cried some more because I felt guilty. Guilty because my now daughter might think that I wasn’t happy to be having her when God knows I was. I’d always known I’d be a mum and to have that come true was the biggest blessing of my life. I cried because I was acting entitled and ungrateful. Maybe I blamed God for not protecting my brother enough and therefore it was only right that He redeem Himself! I have spoken to the Man upstairs about this and asked for forgiveness since then, but at the time this was my thinking.

I remember telling my dad the news and he said he had a feeling all along I didn’t understand why he want just as upset but what he said to me changed my perspective completely. My dad told me that we are but souls and souls do not have a sexy/gender. God did just what I asked Him. He gave me a soul for the one that was lost and the truth is that He wasn’t obligated to do it. He didn’t have to bless me with such an enormous blessing but He did. From then on, I was just happy that I was having a healthy and happy baby. 

I was also able to finally grieve my brother properly and accept what had happened. He wasn’t coming back but he’s a soul and souls never die and so he’s within and amongst us always. 

More than anything now, I’m grateful that I get to raise a woman. A future wife and mother. I’m so fortunate to be entrusted with such a responsibility and yes I now want twin boys next ( I already put in my request with God) but it has nothing to do with my brother anymore and if God had other plans, I’d be just as happy as I am now. I love my daughter so much and I couldn’t imagine having any other way. 

Love,

Lilia 

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Gestational Diabetes & How To Manage It

Lifestyle, motherhood

I’ve mentioned a few times in past posts  that I didn’t have the bestest (yes, i wrote that) of pregnancies in the history of pregnancies. it was my first pregnancy so there is nothing I can compare it to but from what I experienced, it was pretty crappy – to say the least.The one crappy thing (among many) was that I developed gestational diabetes.  

A little over half way through my pregnancy my midwife booked an appointment for me to do a glucose tolerance test to check for gestational diabetes. At the time I wasn’t worried because there is NO history of diabetes in my family so I didn’t even think I needed the test in the first place clearly I wasn’t at all educated about the condition and my midwife said it was highly recommended, especially to women of certain ethnic origins.
A lot of women don’t know about this condition until it happens so I thought I’d be helpful and give a little insight on what it is, what caused it and how to lower the risks of getting it, or at the very least how to manage it.

Gestational diabetes mellitus (GDM) is basically a condition where a mum-to-be who doesn’t otherwise have diabetes (like moi), develops high blood sugar levels during pregnancy. It is generally caused by your body not making up enough insulin to handle the build up of sugars caused by pregnancy hormones. It commonly occurs in the second trimester hence the reason why tests are carried out between weeks 24-28 of pregnancy. I think I did mine at week 24 or maybe 26 – I can quite remember now.

The condition normally affects those women whose body mass index (BMI) is 30+, those women who’ve had it in past pregnancies, those who’ve previously given birth to big babies, or those with family history of diabetes and lastly those of certain ethnic origins such as  Asian, Black, etc. – as was the case for me. 

I was required to fast for at least 12 hours the night before. The test itself consists of taking two blood samples to test my sugar levels before and after taking a sugary drink (Lucozade). I had to wait Two hours after drinking the solution before they could do the second blood test. 

Gestational diabetes is a serious condition as it can essentially cause problems for the mum and baby during and after birth in the following ways:

* baby growing larger than usual 

* premature birth or induction

* pre-eclampsia

* baby developing low blood sugar or (jaundice) after he or she is born. 

Because it can be hereditary, gestational diabetes can sometimes be impossible to avoid, however my main tips in lowering its risk and managing it are as follows:


1. A balanced diet – it is important to avoid skipping meals and s the only thing I could stomach to eat during my pregnancy. Also, although fruits is generally natural sugars, some fruits such as bananas and grapes should be limited if not avoided altogether.

2. CARBS – because carbs break into sugar, I was advised to eat as little of it as possible. It’s funny because throughout my pregnancy all I could eat was bread but hey ho!

3. Blood sugar levels – this got a bit (very) tedious after a while but it is vital that you check your levels, especially after meals determine which meals increase the levels, etc. 

4. Exercise – my mind really wanted to exercise but I was so tired throughout my pregnancy that it was near enough impossible to go to the gym. I generally enjoy walking and so that’s about all the exercise I could do but every little helps. 

5. Medication and insulin shots – if GD can be avoid just by eating right and exercising then that’s great but if like me you need the extra help, then medication and eventually insulin help to manage the diabetes. The medicine made me sick so I was eventually taken off it and put on insulin as a last resort. Injecting myself became second nature but I found doing it four times a day such a chore. 


The good news is that it does, or at least SHOULD go away after delivery. My blood sugar levels went back to normal within hours of delivering my daughter and a follow up test three months post-natal confirmed this. The downside was that my daughter was born with low blood sugar levels and she too had to do insulin shots every 2-3 hours from the moment she was born until the next day when her levels went back to normal. 

To any mum in this situation, the number one important thing to remember is that sometimes it’s inevitable, i.e. you can eat a balanced diet and exercise and still get it because of other factors beyond your control. Try not to feel bad or guilty and do your best to manage the condition as well as you can.

Love,

Lilia

3 Reasons Why I Co-Sleep

Lifestyle, motherhood

I swore up and down that I wouldn’t co-sleep with my baby before I had her. If I’m honest, my reasoning had little to do with any health guidelines or recommendations but rather that I just didn’t want to share my bed. I was weary of the difficulties I could encounter when weaning her off my bed (can I say that?). Of course as any first time mums will agree – mum plans, baby laughs! When the baby is actually here, you find that they are boss and you’re happy to oblige. 
I know the debate to co-sleep or not to co-sleep is as serious as that of breastfeeding. I’ve heard mothers and other people debate both sides and I’ve read the guidelines for both arguments to better inform myself. While I’ve found that both sides to have valid arguments, I personally co-sleep for these 3 reasons:

1. Feeding – my daughter’s cot is in my room and will remain there until she’s at least one year old because I can’t bring myself to even think of her sleeping in a different room to me. I almost get paranoid at the thought. Nonetheless, she shares our end because I quickly found out that it is very convenient when doing the nighttime feeds. Granted, she awakes less these days but I don’t have to get out of my bed to feed her when she is up at night and that to me is amazing. Also, she uses a dummy and fusses when it comes out of her mouth (happens all the time), so I can’t imagine getting up and off my bed just to go put it back in her mouth 3-5 times a night. Plus, she sleeps better and longer so that means more sleep for mummy as well!

2. I Keep My baby Safe – I can just picture those against co-sleeping roll their eyes at this one but to me, having my baby sleeping next to me actually puts me in a protective mode. I’m not a heavy sleeper naturally anyway but I’m even more aware of her presence and of the environment around us when she’s sleeping with me. This means if she was in danger, I would be quick to act and that provides me with a sense comfort knowing that I’m right there next to her if she needs me. 

3. I Enjoy It – aside from the convenience and safety reasons, I actually love and enjoy having my baby sleep in the bed with me (much to her father’s disapproval). She has this habit of caressing my face in her sleep for comfort and this literally brings me joy. It’s like she just needs to feel for me to know that I’m there (how can I say no to that!). Also, nothing compares to waking up every morning and seeing her cute little face smiling at me. 

I am well aware of the dangers of co-sleeping so this post is not by any means to disregard the genuine and valid concerns. At the same time, it should be acknowledged that so many mothers out there co-sleep with their babies and I think it is important that we are not made to feel guilty for doing it as long as we’re taking the necessary precautions to ensure that it is done safely, i.e. One shouldn’t co-sleep if consuming alcohol or smoking and not sleeping on a couch, etc. 

Like any mother ou there, my daughter’s safety and wellbeing is at the forefront of my entire being. Another thing to keep in mind for those who criticise this way of sleeping is accepted and practiced safely in many cultures, so the default reaction to it shouldn’t be a negative one as many would agree that it also has its benefits. 

Love,

Lilia 

5 Ways Having A Baby Tests Your Relationship 

motherhood, Relationships

I’m sure a lot of parents, especially new and first time parents would agree with the sad truth that having a baby can have an adverse effect on your relationship. 
Just before giving birth, a mummy friend of mine told me to expect arguments when the baby was here and I couldn’t understand for the life of me what she meant. Worry not, because I found out quickly enough just how right she was. 

If I’m honest, having our daughter actually caused us to have some of our worst arguments ever….to a point where it’s fair to say both of us questioned whether or not our relationship would actually survive. Hell, sometimes I didn’t know whether or not I WANTED it to survive. Four months down and we’re getting the hang of parenthood and a bit more sleep never hurt anyone but to be honest, it’s still a work in progress as far as getting back to a decent place in our relationship. 

There are obviously a million and one factors contributing to tension and issues having a newborn can bring to a relationship but here are my top five:

1. Tiredness – people told me to sleep as much as possible because I wouldn’t be sleeping much for a few years and though I knew there was some truth in it, I also thought they were exaggerating. Wrong!! My daughter would sleep ALL day and be up from about 10pm until 6 or 7am the next day. Yes, I tried sleeping when she did but things have to be done around the house too. Anyways with my lack of sleep and pure exhaustion, I became snappy and easily annoyed which created unnecessary arguments. Happy to announce she’s much better now.

2. Post Natal Depression – I wrote a piece on this a few weeks back and I still feel so self-conscious when this subject comes up because of all the taboo around it in African communities but although I didn’t know it then, I was affected with PND which also meant I was always crying and down right moody. Hubby didn’t understand what was happening and we’d argue because I didn’t know why I felt the way I felt so relaying any information to him was near enough impossible and we were both left frustrated and distant. 

3. Extended Family – now, we all know almost everyone becomes an expert in babies when there is a newborn but couple this with two different African cultures and you’ve got unsolicited, unwanted and damn weight crazy advice and opinions. The other half was being told one thing from his family but when he’d run it to me , I’d shut him down because that wasn’t a practice in my culture or whatever and he’d end up feeling like his contributions didn’t matter and become resentful, etc etc. Naming the baby was also another uncomfortable situation which I wrote about in one of my posts. 

4. Night Duties – now this is a funny one because the Mr would say I never let him help much but I remember getting so angry at the fact that I was up at night with the baby while he was sleeping. Poor guy would offer to take the baby sometimes and I’d say no because I wanted to be the one person who could soothe and comfort her and so I self-righteously thought he didn’t know what he was doing. Then I’d be angry with him if he didn’t offer to help (even though we both knew the answer would 90% always be no). I was just a right mess to be frank so don’t ask me questions because I know it doesn’t make sense.  

5. Communication – or the lack thereof as was our case. One thing which we would both agree on is that my other half is not the greatest communicator that ever existed. In fact, he wouldn’t even make the cut if there was such a process. His heart is always in the right place but he internalises things and is practically allergic to confrontation. This means if he’s upset about something I’ve said or done (which happens daily), he won’t tell me and if it’s something he considers to be major then his mood will change so I’ll be left wondering what’s wrong. One thing I’ve also found is I’m what I’d like to call an ’emergency communicator’, i.e. I only really want to sit down and talk when something has already happened. Throughout this process I’m learning the importance of every day communication and we’re slowly getting there. 

So there you have it. As a whole, having a child has been a blessing so I don’t want anyone thinking it just messes up your relationship but at the same time it’s foolish to be ignorant of the fact that adding a small human into the mix of things can definitely have its down points…..at least at first! I also understand that this is not necessarily the case for everyone all the time, but for me it sure has been a rollercoaster which is slowly but sure coming back down. 

You know what, I’m grateful nonetheless. For every bit of it (well…most bits). I’ve learned so much about myself, the hubby and our relationship in the last four months than the years prior to having our daughter and it’s all good! 

Love,

Lilia

Finding Out I Was Pregnant

motherhood

I’m sat here smiling because exactly a year ago I found out I was pregnant. The Mr and I had just come back from our holiday in Dubai where I spent the whole 7 days and 6 nights sleeping and then sleeping some more because I didn’t feel like I was sleeping enough…..go figure!
Before I fell pregnant with my daughter, I actually dreamed twice that I was pregnant. The first time it was a woman handing me twin girls and another was just a dream that I was pregnant. I didn’t pay much attention to it because i thought getting pregnant is something that happened to other women and quite frankly the idea seems so far fetched that my mind couldn’t fathom the idea quite frankly. Mind you, I’ve always known I wanted kids. 
I remember on our way to Dubai we stopped over in Ukraine for a couple of hours and I was complaining of having very sore boobs and cramps but I just put it down to my period coming. I even thought my period had came when I saw blood after going to the toilet so not in a thousand years did I think I was pregnant. 

Once in Dubai, all I did was sleep and sleep some more. The other half and I would bicker because we had a whole itinerary of activities and sightseeing during our stay but getting myself out of bed before noon was near enough impossible. I put this down to jet lag and went about my business getting even more acquainted with my hotel bed and pillow whilst he did everything by himself. 
Another tell tale sign I guess was the fact that my breasts were so tender that I would flinch every time I got dressed but again because I was still bleeding, albeit lightly, I just thought i was having my period rather than spotting.  

Imagine my surprise when we got back and hubby dragged me to Tesco to grab a pregnancy test. I remember laughing at him because I was so certain I wasn’t pregnant that even when I peed on the stick, I left it in the bathroom floor and went to sleep AGAIN until he came rushing in the bedroom asking what two lines meant! I actually thought I’d heard wrong until he asked again and I looked at the stick for the first time. 
A year on and the little madam is four months with a larger than life personality already. I’m amazed and overwhelmed at how much can happen and change in a year. Mostly, I’m grateful that God saw it fit to pick me to be this wonderful soul’s mother. 

Love,

Lilia

breast is best; fed is fed

Lifestyle, motherhood

As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I decided the I would exclusively breastfeed my baby because quite frankly, I was curious at the idea of a baby suckling on my breast for their survival (I’m just being honest)! 

Breastfeeding to me has always seemed like the easiest, most natural thing for a woman to do. In my head, I just knew that when my baby was born all I’d have to do is stick my nipple in her mouth and we’d get the party started. After all, this is what I’d seen my mum as well as other women do. I was so excited to embark on this bonding journey with my baby and provide her with food that was tailor made only for her. Add that to the endless Instagram posts I’d seen of mummies breastfeeding their babies and toddlers and campaigning about the goodness of breast milk and its health advantages, I just knew that I wanted to be one of those mums and ensure that my kid got a great start in life.

My midwife had suggested breastfeeding classes to teach me how to properly breastfeed a baby. I honestly thought it was ridiculous – even when she told me that it wasn’t always easy or possible. I mean how hard could it be? Wasn’t it the most natural thing only second to actually giving birth? So imagine my surprise or more like heartbreak when baby girl was born and i couldn’t get her to latch properly!!

When she was born and had been checked, she immediately given to me to feed her. I cockily tried to put my nipple in her mouth only to be told that I wasn’t doing it right – that I had to place my whole areola in her mouth. Talk about abloody  reality check!!

Because I developed gestational diabetes during my pregnancy and was on insulin towards the end of it, baby girl’s blood levels were low and had to be tested every two hours after birth. Also because I wasn’t able to get her to latch ‘properly’, the midwives decided to top up with formula just to regulate her sugar levels and avoid going to the care unit.

I felt so crushed and defeated as I gave my newborn her first bottle of formula. I felt like kicking myself for not going to the highly recommended breastfeeding classes but I was nonetheless so determined to breastfeed that I stuck to it although it was proving to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done – besides child labour of course.

I’d cry every time I tried to feed her and she wouldn’t latch properly. I was so angry and frustrated with myself – not to mention extremely exhausted and couldn’t for the life of me understand why it was so hard. To top that, my milk didn’t fully come for the first five days. I watched all the YouTube videos there were to watch and read all the web articles, downloaded apps – you name it. I even attheded breastfeeding clinics and spoke to Consultants. I felt like a failure. I tried to express but very little would come out. Top that with family pressures on the importance of breastfeeding and how Breast was best, I started to fall into depression. 

At this point baby girl was mainly taking formula rather than just as a top up and I honestly wanted to quit each time I attempted to breastfeed because it only made me miserable. I was however really determined to give it my all before throwing in the towel. Luckily, I had mummy friends who constantly called or texted to give me encouragement and also share their breastfeeding stories. I was shocked to learn that what I was experiencing was more common than I had thought. Knowing that I wasn’t alone made me feel slightly better about the whole situation. I soldiered on for a few weeks until one day bangs girl just latched and has never looked back.

I now do a combination of breast and formula, giving her a bottle at night as it’s just easier with the sleepiness but I have come to learn that giving your baby breast is not the be all and end all. Sure, it is especially designed for your baby but sometimes is just not possible to do – for a number of reasons. Although I stuck to it, I realise that some mums give up after a while and I can’t blame them. I too waned to give up every day.

The lesson I got out of my experience is that though breast may in fact be best – fed is fed. A fed baby, irrespective of breast or formula, is a happy baby!
Love,
Lilia 

To vaccinate or not to vaccinate 

Lifestyle, motherhood

Baby girl turned 8 weeks on Tuesday and was due a check up appointment which also included having her first shots.

I’ve never been against vaccinations. In fact up until recently I’ve always thought them to be mandatory- sort of like paying taxes haha! I mean I was vaccinated and everyone I know, from family to friends, has been vaccinated so it never occurred to me to ever opt out of getting my daughter vaccinated. I remember vaguely hearing about the possible correlation between vaccines and autism in the media following a celebrity whose child was diagnosed with autism but again as it’s never been something that was challenged by my family or anyone I know, I never paid mind to it as it was never an issue close to home.

My partner however has in the past expressed his feelibgs against vaccinations because to him they are unnecessary and more for the benefits of government and the pharmaceutical industry than for public wellness. So when baby girl was born the conversation arose and to be honest, I quickly made him understand tht the thought of risking my child’s life for an opinion or a person’s belief, even if the person was her dad, was just unfathomable. 

So as the date for her 8 week check up was approaching, I started getting a bit nervous and conflicted about my decision  because as a mother, you’re always questioning your actions and decisions and wondering if you’re doing the best thing for your child. I then did some research on the subject and weighed  up the  pros and cons of vaccinations just to be proactive and not make a decision blindly – especially as it involved my daughter’s health. To be honest, a lot of my findings were arguments for vaccination and those against it were more people’s personal views than actual facts.

I say this not to invalidate anyone’s belief against having their children vaccinated. I believe that every parent is different and therefore what’s best for each kid will also differ but for me, I decided to go for it because although I recognise that everything comes with its share of risks- whether for or against vaccinations – I strongly feel that the risks to vaccinate were less than not to vaccinate. I go back to the fact that both and my partner have been vaccinated as well as everyone I know. I honestly don’t know anyone in my circle who hasn’t been and i decided to rely on that evidence and of course said a prayer for extra assurance.

The first set consisted of 3 jabs and an oral one for the rotavirus. I had read about the side effects of the rotavirus so I knew to except baby girl to have tummy aches and be fussier than usual, which is exactly what happened. I felt bad for her suffering as it went on for nearly 24 hours but I am at peace with my decision to vaccinate. 

Having said that, I’m not looking forward to the next round!
Love,
Lilia 

Ripping off the band aid

Lifestyle, motherhood

Last night was my first time going out since I gave birth just under six weeks ago. The other half Has been organising this annual Christmas dinner thing for our close friends and family for a couple of years now and to continue with our little tradition he wanted to do one this year too.  Seeing as I only gave birth just under six weeks ago however, i was a. It reluctant about it and was hoping we’d skip this year since the baby is still so small. Quite frankly seeing as  I no longer sleep for more than 2 hours at a time, I would rather spend my evenings resting at home cuddling than spending time doing normal adult things.

To be honest, even while he booked the restaurant and was sending out invitations, I still somehow managed to convince myself that it wouldn’t go ahead as he’d realise that we just had too much on our plate but as we got closer and closer to the time, I had to accept that the annual dinner was going ahead and though I suggested staying home whilst he went, I knew that he needed my support on this.

So this week Ive felt like a crappy mum, filled with anxiety and guilt overload. Can you blame me? I’ve been with my baby every second of everyday since she’s been born and the thought of not having her in my presence, even if only for a couple of hours is still hard to imagine.

When Saturday finally came, mymny guilt got the best of me and I had to take a moment to cry about it.  Yes, ive become a big softy since this whole mother thing and I’m kinda not ashamed to admit it. Sue me if you will!

I finally forced myself to get dressed, do my hair and put on make up which I haven’t done in months and actually felt good – followed by more guilt for feeling good about looking good. Go figure!!

After showering her with a tsunami of kisses and crying like a pathetic woman, I let her daddy take her to grandma whilst I stayed in the car because the experience was just too traumatic for me (drama queen much?).

The night went without a hitch and I’m sure I annoyed my mother in law with my constant check ups – especially because bubba was asleep most of the night but I just couldn’t help myself. 

I now understand and agree with the other half that this had to happen but I’m still not in a hurry to leave her any time soon. His birthday is coming up next month and I’m thinking we’re gonna have to celebrate with a home cooked dinner – after all, 31 is hardly a milestone birth right? Now I just need to pitch it to him. Wish me luck?
Love,
Lilia

I can’t catch a break

motherhood

So baby girl hasn’t been her normal self these last couple of days. I think she’s going through some sort of growth spurt or something. She’s being super clingy and has been holding my boobs hostage for hours at a time whilst comfort feeding. To add salt to injury, she’s also been constipated which means she’s even more cranky (or is it crankier) than usual.
All this has of course meant NO sleep for moi – Raul ting in me also being cranky and irritable because all I want is TWO hours of shut eye so I can feel like a human being again. Every time I think she’s in a deep sleep and put her down, she lets me know who’s boss and wakes up with her beady eyes wide open and we start the cycle again.

So last night after I’d been unsuccessfully attempting to get her to go down and let me breath (sleep) for a sec, fast forward 3:30am and she somehow manages to get her shit all over me. Yes, her nappy was intact. No, I have no idea how I ended up with shit in my hands….literally. I can tell you that the warmth of the poop woke up right up and where I’d definitely have died had it been any other baby, all I could do was thank God that she had finally managed to move her bowels and kissed her as I tried to work out I how to clean her AND myself. I’d somehow acquired super powers and managed to clean us both up without having to wake the other half for help. Her sleepsuit unfortunately was unsalvageable and had to be dashed in the bin. 

At this point I’m giving myself a mental pat in the back for what I consider a great victory when little madam worked out I didn’t get punished enough and decided to be sick all over her newly changed clothes which then required more cleaning and another change of clothes.

I mean….can I get a break??!!

Love,

Lilia