Why I Really Wanted A Boy

Lifestyle, motherhood, Relationships

I’m the oldest of a combined eleven children (yes, you read that right!) from both parents and if God asked for my choice, I’d choose to have an older brother. Why, well I know I could not have an older sister because I doubt we’d get on much but an older brother always seemed like a good idea. He’s be my protector, he’d fight for me and he’d hurt any boy who dared break my heart, hahah (no, but seriously)! 

Anyways, my wish to have an older brother was pretty impossible because let’s be honest, had my parents had me when they were teenagers so having older siblings could not happen because I was it! So why did I do? I wished for the next best thing and that was to have a son first. If God was listening, I figured I might as well ask Him although I was sure I’d be happy either way! 

This was true until a month before I found out I was pregnant, I buried my 18 year old brother who was murdered in a knife crime. He had just turned 18 so evidently his death sent me in a dark place. Not just because of its untimeliness but also because he was 10 years younger than me. I couldn’t and still cannot fathom the idea of such a young life being lost. I sometimes feel guilty that I get to live and he will never get to be my age or older. 

So when I found out a month after his death that I was pregnant, I saw it as a sign that this was God’s doing and that I would be having a boy…to compensate for my brother’s death somehow. Now that I think about it I understand how crazy it sounds but grieving does crazy things to a person and although I didn’t know it then, that was my way of trying to come to terms or make sense of his death. 

I was so sure that I was having a boy that I completely disregarded the 50% possibility that it might actually be a girl. I started referring to my bump as he/him and if anyone asked if I knew what I was having, I’d pretty much say I think it’s a boy! 

To further cement my belief, I would only search for boy baby names and eventually settled on the name that I knew for a fact I’d name my son when he was born. From then on, I started referring to the bump by its boy name!

Being as it was my first child and seeing as I ‘knew’ its gender, I wasn’t particularly bothered with finding out the baby’s gender but the hubby wanted to know so he could start buying clothes and stuff ( there was very little unisex colours for some reasons) and so I thought hey, for confirmation sake…why not! 

My anomaly (and opportunity for a gender reveal) scan was at 21 weeks and unfortunately the baby didn’t want to open its legs so we were rebooked for another scan at 23 weeks because the sonologist ( I think that’s what they’re called) wasn’t able to check for everything at the time anyway. 

We were back again two weeks later and for some reason I started feeling a bit nervous. I mean yes I believed I was having a boy but what if I wasn’t? Lo and below I was informed with a 90% certainty that I was having a GIRL! It hurts me to say this now but my heart completely sank. It wasn’t the news I was expected. Damn it, it wasn’t the news I wanted. I had just lost my brother and found out I was pregnant a month later so it could only be a boy because it was God giving me back what He had taken from me…..surely!

I hardly spoke again that day and later that evening, I cried like I’ve never ever cried before in my whole entire life. I cried because I finally realised I had to accept that my brother was gone and that he wasn’t coming back. Yes, he had only just turned 18 years and yes it was so unfair that he wasn’t given an opportunity to live a full life but he was gone and the baby boy that I was holding on to….in memory of him wasn’t actually a boy. How could God do this to me!!

I then cried some more because I felt guilty. Guilty because my now daughter might think that I wasn’t happy to be having her when God knows I was. I’d always known I’d be a mum and to have that come true was the biggest blessing of my life. I cried because I was acting entitled and ungrateful. Maybe I blamed God for not protecting my brother enough and therefore it was only right that He redeem Himself! I have spoken to the Man upstairs about this and asked for forgiveness since then, but at the time this was my thinking.

I remember telling my dad the news and he said he had a feeling all along I didn’t understand why he want just as upset but what he said to me changed my perspective completely. My dad told me that we are but souls and souls do not have a sexy/gender. God did just what I asked Him. He gave me a soul for the one that was lost and the truth is that He wasn’t obligated to do it. He didn’t have to bless me with such an enormous blessing but He did. From then on, I was just happy that I was having a healthy and happy baby. 

I was also able to finally grieve my brother properly and accept what had happened. He wasn’t coming back but he’s a soul and souls never die and so he’s within and amongst us always. 

More than anything now, I’m grateful that I get to raise a woman. A future wife and mother. I’m so fortunate to be entrusted with such a responsibility and yes I now want twin boys next ( I already put in my request with God) but it has nothing to do with my brother anymore and if God had other plans, I’d be just as happy as I am now. I love my daughter so much and I couldn’t imagine having any other way. 

Love,

Lilia 

Advertisements

Reflecting on 2016

Lifestyle, motherhood, Relationships

          As we reach the last day of 2016, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on what a year it has been and also my goals for the coming year. 

          To say 2016 has been a year of change is an understatement. This has been both for the good and bad. For me this year started as a nightmare as I lost my younger brother in January – two weeks after his 18th birthday and on the day of my partner’s birthday. The thing that hurts the most about his death is that he wasn’t sick but died from a stab wound to the neck.

          I still play back in my mind the moment my father broke the news to me. Part of me also died when my brother died and I honestly didnt believe there was anything that could take place in 2016 that would make me feel better about this year but God had other plans. About a month or so after my brother’s death, I fond out I was pregnant. 

          I had not been trying and it wasn’t something I thought would happen so soon but I took it as a sign from God that although he has taken away something so valuable to me, he’s also given me something just as valuable and taken me to the next stage of my life. My brother is irreplaceable but my daughter’s birth has helped me find joy again.

          To me 2016 feels like the shortest year of my life. It doesn’t feel like I’ve gone through the full 12 months at all. My only memories of 2016 has been of a death and birth and I’m so grateful to God for both. 

          I’m grateful that I was blessed enough to have had my brother for 18 years, although I still feel that it wasn’t near to enough time here with him. Nonetheless, I’m grateful for the time we spent together and the memories I have of him which I will treasure in my heart until we meet again. I’m also grateful and thankful to God for choosing me, as unworthy as I am, and entrusting to me such a responsibility as to be someone’s mother. To experience the miracle of childbirth and the joys of motherhood. 

          I’m also grateful for life in general. Life isprecious  and so so short. We often think we have time – time to follow that dream, time to travel, time to do that course at university, time to say I love you to loved ones. The actual truth is that our time here on earth is limited so there’s no point in putting off things that we want to do or achieve or putting off our time with family and friends, thinking there will be a next time. 

          I don’t want to set resolutions for the new year. Instead I want to live each moment of the rest of my life as deliberately as I can. I want to deievrately love, laugh, enjoy my family and all the blessings that God has bestowed upon me and those which are awaiting me in the future. I want to stop and smell the roses more often. I want to take more pictures and make more memories. I want to travel with my daughter and teach her what I know. I want to be the best partner to my other half and the best friend to my friends. I want to strive to be the best version of me everyday and to praise God more, in any and every circumstances.

          To everyone out there I wish a prosperous, healthy and happy new year, filled with Love, joy, patience, compassion, success and good healthy because we are all here but only for a limited time so as cliche as it may sound, we need to grab it by the horns and live it to the fullest!

          Happy New Year 2017!!

          Love, 
          Lilia